The Race of Marriage

You may not know this because we don't talk about it often but we fight sometimes.  Not the knock out kind of fights, so I guess I should say we argue sometimes.  SURPRISE!!  Now that we  ripped that band-aid off, let me talk about our fights. No, I am not going to tell you the down a dirty about our fights, the topics of our fights are not important; what is important is that when you are in it together you have arguments.  It isn't the topic of the argument that makes a difference it is about how you handle the argument  and the aftermath which can change everything.
Let me step back a moment, people ask us how we make our marriage work?  As we are currently in our early 30's and only 11 years into our marriage. I often laugh at why anyone would see us as experts on the topic.  But then I realize statically only 64% of first marriages last over ten years (and that does not include separations, only divorces).  We may still not be experts but we must be doing something right. When we give advice about why it works this is normally our advice, "We had no expectations of each other."  I laugh because this was the answer Patrick gave me as we drove down the road speaking about a recent friend's divorce and what was different for us.  Now, this does not mean we didn't expect things of each other as far as commitment, understanding, and unconditional love; simply we didn't expect each other to change or be something they were not, instead this commitment was an exercise in individual and relationship growth.     

Those of you who are expecting the to relate back to racing, here you go!!  When I think about our marriage it looks a lot like our race life.  It started small, an idea of "maybe we could do this".  Our marriage was challenged as it grew.  We moved from a 5K to longer distances.  In our relationship this meant devoting time and efforts to relating to each other, supporting each other as we changed due to work, life, and growing up. Much like road races the rains came, the sun shone, we felt alone, we felt lifted, and the finish line was a brief accomplishment in time of efforts made over weeks and months and years.
Then as in our racing life there have been moments of boredom.  In these moments it would have perhaps been easy to say, "I'm done" or to look for something outside of this relationship to peak interest.  But that's not what you do with something you love and enjoy, you don't give up on it because of moments of boredom.  No, you figure out how to reshape it and build it.  For our racing that was opening our race life up to triathlon.  Adding swimming and biking to the running. 

How does this translate to marriage? You have to look at the bored times and figure out if you are bored with the place, the person, or the day to day.  We realize in times of boredom we have to change things up.  If that means taking extra vacation days (maybe including a running event).  It may mean picking up new hobbies to engage in or returning to old hobbies.  It could be as simple as remembering to take time from the boring pattern to remember what you love and to accentuate those things, CHANGE THE PATTERN!!!  Often times when you can do things together that may be new you realize how many new things you want to experience with the person you fell in love or are in love with.       
For us racing together is not a story we tell about 5Ks, half marathons, or Ironman events; it is a story we tell about our life.  We do all of this together.  We understand each other has to grow and we don't expect each other to be more than who they are, although we cherish and encourage the greatness we see in each other.  It is about never letting life get boring; instead changing it up, looking within and to each other for strength, and pushing forward when times are tough.
Lastly, we always remember the finish line in marriage is not three miles or 16 hours, it is a lifetime; filled with peaks and valleys.  It is a bunch of races and race days all combined into one.  And if one day there is no more racing for us, that's no problem as we together will continue in our race, our journey, it will simply grow and change.   
Through it all we remember we have each other, through good or bad times, expecting only commitment (staying the course), understanding (knowing not everyday is a good day), and unconditionally love (remembering we love what we are doing).    We race together on the road and in life.