Changing the Buddy System Plan- A Running Apology

Today we ran the Rock N' Fly Half Marathon.  Last year I struggled through this race due to heat, humidity, sloped sidewalks, and lack of water. It was at times a defeating race; the only good thing was to be running with Jennifer, my sister-in-law. 
I was not sure how today was going to go.  My running lately has been slow and steady at best, with ups and downs.  Recently to help push me or pull me Patrick has been running with me, even though he could have on several occasions run off without me. This has helped me to pace and build. 

Going into this race our plan was to run together as we had been doing for the last few long races.  Given this understanding it is also understanding that my victory of a PR (at least within the last few years) was quickly deflated by the realization that I broke the buddy plan.  
In the first mile we were together, Patrick on my heels, as we weaved in and out of people. Just as the 5K group began to breakout of the half marathon pack and make their turn back to the finish line, I realized Patrick was talking to someone else and his voice was dropping further back.  I figured he would catch back up to me.  Jennifer was still with me.  
Then suddenly I heard no familiar voices, there were no familiar strides coming up behind me.  I pulled to the side and turned to look back.  I saw neither of them, but the group was still large and I was honestly not sure if I had missed them passing by.  I figured if Patrick didn't catch me by the turn around at 5.5 then I would walk then, at least that way I could see him. I ran on and through the turn.  I flipped back on the crowd. There was about 3/4 of a mile between us.  I yelled, he waved, I told asked if he wanted me to walk, he said "no".  I should have walked.  At this point it was already hot and the road's tilt was taking its toll.  This wasn't a fair question to put on my running buddy.  
In the next few miles I slowed considerably, this was a matter of just not being able to push any harder.  It took till about mile 10 for me to feel back on track.  In those last three miles, there was plenty of water and even Popsicle, but there was no buddy next to me.  For that I was sad.  Just before mile 12 I saw Patrick as he was taking the turn for the last outer loop before being on the way back to the finish line.  He smiled, and waved.  I could tell he was tired and hurting.  But I failed to stop or slow for my running buddy.  
I finished my race, happy to be done.  Then the waiting began and all the feelings of my race choice came over me.  I was angry at myself.  I should have been more courteous; I should have been the bigger person as he had been for me several times before.

My hand should have been in his. 

I know for some this will seem like a little thing and in the scheme of life this will pass and it will be remembered as a little moment.  However, right now, it hurts my heart that I was that person, that runner.  Even more it hurts my heart that I left Patrick out there to push through the race with no one to help motive him, to hand him extra waters, to share a huma with, or to understand that this race will be beat one step at a time as other before were beat.  
Today I know that my goal of "being better" was not met out there.  But moment like this give us the ability to grow.  That is what I will do it grow.  Grow to be a better running partner.  Grow to be a more aware running buddy.  Grow to be the person my husband has shown me he is, strong, giving, patient, encouraging, and supportive, even when he knows being this person may hold him back briefly in this moment.    

Such wonderful people in our lives.

Thank you Patrick for loving me beyond my flaws.