Tuesday, October 24, 2017

There Will Be Sadness

A few weeks ago I had an emotional breakdown. Yep, full on loneliness and despair type breakdown. It was the first time I can remember feeling nothing but pain course through every inch of my body. I have been sad before; I have been angry before; but never have I felt like this. I couldn't stop the world from spinning. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't make my mind make sense. I couldn't will myself to feel better. I couldn't, I just couldn't.  

I was mad at the world and mad at myself for feeling this way. I am suppose to be strong. I am suppose to know how to prevent these feelings from overpowering me. I am suppose to utilize my supports. I am suppose to be okay. I am not suppose to be curled up in a ball in a parking lot, crying. I am not suppose to be begging for understanding. I am not suppose to be hopeless. But that's where I was, in a parking lot, crying, begging, and hopeless. 

The things that lead me to this place are of little significance but what is very significant it what lead me out of this place. 

I believe when we fall down an emotional staircase we have to walk back up one step at a time. This was the first time I didn't even know where the staircase was or if there was one. That's where I was, in a dark room I had never been in before. I didn't know where I was, I didn't know if there was going to be a staircase here, and I didn't know how to find it. Needless to say I was a unprepared for this stumble in life. But I was one thing- aware of the darkness. 

When I realized how far I had fallen I tried to focus on one thing, something outside of me in the moment. It was then in this darkness I saw a dim glow. It was coming from where I had fallen from. I knew I wanted to be back there to the light. I knew I could not stay here. I knew I had to try, even though my body felt pain, my mind felt dizzy, and my soul felt crushed. I knew there was no easy way back to the light. I couldn't just push this all away and pretend nothing happened. I had to face those stairs and that journey. I also knew I could not do it alone. 

I was standing in the middle of a store walking the buggy back and forth when I decided I needed a brighter light to shine. I made a difficult decision for me, I decided to reach out for help. I sent a text to a friend asking for her to confirm there were positive people in the world. I told her I was having a hard time and just needed to know this was still true. I didn't want to tell anyone I was in this dark room. I didn't want to talk about "it". I didn't want to have to explain that I didn't know where the staircase was. 

I figured she would text back asking questions or telling me to buck up. But instead when that little light blinked the message was different. She text back, "I love you. Today is one day in our world. Each day brings us challenges and hurdles. All which make us stronger." She told me to "use this day as a lesson." 

She didn't tell me to suck it up or to push it all away. She told me to embrace it. I had to own my feelings and my actions. This day was only one day in this world and it did not have to define me. With just a few words (and checking in on me for a few days), my friend lead me to a staircase that was right before my eyes but hidden from me. She helped me to take that first deep breath and to feel hope were despair had filled my heart.

It seems so simple but when you feel the weight of life crushing you, simple no longer exist.  
The world isn't easy. You can have all the flashlights in the world and still be unprepared for falling down into the darkness. I still think about the events that lead me to that dark place. I still replay my emotional reactions. I still wonder how I fell. But I look back to process those moments while holding on to the hand of a friend.  A friend who I know will shed a little light.
I tell you this to say, it happens, we all end up in our own darkness at some point. Life isn't about standing close to the edge. It is about leaping and falling and crashing and finding the first step again. Life is an emotional roller coaster leading us to highs so wonderful the stars are within reach and lows so deep our feet settle in the sand at the ocean floor.    



To all who read this, know you have a friend. Have trust in a helping hand, even when the world seems to deceive you. Have faith in the greater good, even when your actions might not be a part of that good. Have hope in the knowledge that the world will slow down just long enough you can catch your breath and in that moment step out onto that first step up.


**Yes, I am good now. I am sure.**

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