100 Days, 100 Miles

When you think about it 100 miles over the course of 100 days it really might not seem significant, after all during this journey we ran a few 5Ks, a 15K, and took on a challenge of running 48 miles over 48 hours.  These 100 miles are different, though they were at times blended in with the many other miles of our lives. These were different miles because they were grounded in intention and with purpose.

In my home as the days become shorter and the weather cooler a sinking feeling starts to bring its battle to our front door, one of us battles with seasonal depression and the other one battles with trying not to react to the symptoms of their partner’s condition; leading us both to a front row seat on an emotional rollercoaster. This has been an ongoing “ride” in our lives for many years. Some years are better than others. I think this is mostly dependent on the number of sunny and warmer days in the season that year and on calling it what it is when it happens. It seems to help with us to just yell, “F You Depression” and recognize that the sun not being awake at 6am is enough to topple the day in to a tailspin but tomorrow might be better. This doesn’t mean we always win the battle just because we acknowledge it or because we talk about it with each other. Sometimes at the end of the day the effects of this depression leaves us both beaten and battered and sleeping with our backs to each other, saying “good night” only out of ritual habit not in a form of best wishes for slumber.

I fear the cold dark days leading up to 21 December, the shortest daylight day of the year. I worry if there will be cold snaps or rain. I watch the weather and try to predict our moods. I sit and hope and wait for the daylight. This year I decided to handle it differently. I would not sit idle. I decided to make a challenge to intentionally move. Now this may seem strange if you read our other blogs about swimming and running and biking and movement, but this was different. There would be no off days, no excuses to not get it done, no hiding under the blankets. I decided it needed to be a challenge that was minimal and guaranteed success. No matter what happened in our day this one thing would be a checkbox for completion. Easy Peasy!!!

On 23 September 2017, we started our 100 miles 100 days challenge; this would put us finishing the challenge on New Year’s Eve (past the days of shortening daylight). It seemed silly at first since the week before we ran 8.5 miles and two days before we ran 4 miles. But this was not about “those” miles. This was about this mile, just this one. Well it ended up being 4 miles that September day, but the box for one mile completed was checked. Now there is something you have to understand about this challenge, we had talked about it a week or so earlier and agreed “sure we will do it”. But when the first day came to do the mile we were actually already not in great moods. I remember bits and pieces as to why our moods were foul (it really isn’t important) but I mostly remember thinking, “Good grief, maybe this is just stupid and I should call it off now.” But like many arguments amongst couples this one passed leading to “normal” moods.

Unexpectedly these 100 miles would turn into a weird learning journey for me (I guess a lot of things end up this way for me), about us (even after 14 years of marriage and a lifetime of knowing each other), and about a place in this world. Yep, I was not expecting this to be the case on day 1 and maybe not even on day 100. It might just be now in thinking about all the parts and pieces and moments that I found this knowledge, who knows. Simple things happened in those miles.

In the beginning Patrick hated my counting system. I would proclaim “only 87 more days to go!!!” He in turn would look at me like I was telling him how much further till we reach Jupiter, some irrelevant number in the universe. This was the first thing, not usual daily stuff, I remember talking about on one of our 1 miles. I asked him why it bothered him. He told me it seemed too far away and like we had been doing this for months already with nothing gained. Makes sense. So the next day as we finished our 1 mile I proclaimed, “14 days completed!!” To which he laughed, we laughed. Two weeks in and we had gone from disgruntle, to normal, to laughing, and I am sure 1 million emotions in between, not all “at” each other but just the rollercoaster of life with a quickly setting sun announcing its departure as just another challenge.

During this challenge I struggled at times, the couch seemed more comforting than the road after a long day at work. I struggled with why I wanted to do this challenge. I struggled with other things I needed to be so devoted to in my life. I struggled with not over thinking it (a constant struggle for me). It was only a mile, never meant to change me or the world or me in the world. It was only a mile, just meant to be something to give me a checkbox, guaranteed. Simple. These struggles though came into my mind during these miles, more often than they ever did in other unintentional miles. Maybe it was because many of these miles were spent just being in the moment with my husband. Not in the out of breath, chasing way we spend other miles together. These miles were often about us pulling each other out the door, pulling each other away from that stale darkness that seemed there and gone at the same time this year.

We traveled during this challenge time (in fact we were away from home the day we started) which as I look back those times make me laugh a little. Asking a friend if we could walk past the restaurant we were planning to have breakfast at and then loop around the park because we needed 1 consecutive mile. Oh yeah this is after she had just told us she was pregnant and sometimes tired. Then there was planning miles in Ohio, in changing conditions that Florida people are not prepared for this early in the season. This too made me laugh as we ran the river in shorts and perhaps a long sleeve shirt but the locals wore base layers and gloves and hats and covered their faces. We may not have been expecting the cold but that didn’t mean we could not be tough and handle the cold. We even had a mile at my alma mater in Charlotte, walking through memories we had there while seeing that the world is ever changing.

We raced our normal and not-so-normal weekend races during this challenge time, counting one of these miles as the 1 mile for the day. During this time we raced our first SwimRun event in North Carolina. Tethered together up and down a mountain, we were surprisingly laughing and joking though we could not feel our feet or hands after the icy water. We raced a Hot Chocolate 15K on the streets of Columbus, Ohio (Go Buckeyes!). We raced a two day, three race event, containing a 10K, 5K, and half marathon. We completed a self-supported triathlon since a hurricane canceled the actual event day. Then we decided at nearly the end of the year to complete a 48 hour challenge totaling 48 miles and little “recovery” sleep (another blog to come). During these days, Patrick pushed himself to new personal records and pushed me out of my comfort zone pace at times, encouraging me at times, staying beside me at times, and being free to run at times. All these moments adding their 1 mile to the goal.

I don’t remember what day the mile stopped being an inconvenience and just stared “being”.

Maybe this feeling came and went during the challenge. What I do remember is feeling more connected to myself. A grounded feeling, where you aren’t grounded by worldly pressure to one spot but instead you are grounded to where you want to be, feeling the world willingly. During these miles ideas about the next journeys in my life started to have a place to exists, this can’t happen in front of a television or trying to hit a new 100 yard goal in the pool or on a spin bike watching your heart rate rise. It at least wasn’t happen for me during those times. I know the ideas and goals I had in those miles will not all happen, not all of these plans will take shape. But I also know that one small checkbox can help the doubt and uncertainty go away. The sun will still set, I can’t rope it and make it stay longer, but I can move in the darkness.

 

On 31 December, after missing sleep for two days, we, together, took on the final mile for a challenge started 100 days prior (a time that seemed so much closer than it had when we had 199 days to go). It was wet and cold that morning. It was honestly the worse conditions we had in 100 days! But this was it one more intentional checkbox. A mark that for me in that moment symbolized commitment I felt I had lost, dedication I felt I was lacking, and faith in myself that had been a challenge to find recently. As we walked, incidentally four miles (just as we had started this 1 mile challenge), I realized we may have bumps and bruises from this battle with the daylight but we walked out together.

This year I think our house was a little brighter despite the fading sun. The symptoms of frustration, doubt in ability, lack of motivation, irritation, restlessness, were all quieted in those miles. Bad days slipped away with just a check mark in a box. Not because it was the fasted mile or the best form, but because it was a mile intended for no one else and no other purpose than to be a simple mile.   

100 intentional miles on 100 intentional days.

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