In 2021, We Took a Walk-- One Mile At A Time

     I am not one for New Year's resolutions. I sort of have the take on it that if you want to do it, you will, and if you don't want to do it, you will stop by February. I am more the type for setting short-term goals with smaller tasks to achieve the overall goal. But coming into 2021 was a bit different, maybe because of COVID, maybe because of where I was in my life looking at 40, perhaps because I just needed something. 

    So I made a resolution to walk one mile every day. Alright, some of you are laughing or confused right now. I know this because, as I told my triathlon and running friends, this goal most laughed or gave me that look where you tilt your head trying to understand the person a bit better. Not because I set a goal but because the goal seemed so small. This was not a goal to do a 5K every day, or to establish a running streak, or to PR an event, or to go an epic distance. Nope, this was one mile. One single mile every day.

    BUT... there is ALWAYS a BUT. This mile, while sometimes a part of a 5K, sometimes coming at the end of a triathlon or in the middle of a marathon, sometimes mixed in with 40 miles of wandering, had one component that I also had to honor. My one mile a day was not just about being in physical motion but also facing life's mental and emotional movement. This would be a year of the "Reflective Mile."  

    You may be asking yourself what a "Reflective Mile" is. Well, it is precisely what it sounds like, one mile to think, to process, and to connect. That's the hard part about this mile. It is why the mile is allowed to be a part of something bigger, like a marathon, but also why this mile is not a 5K everyday. This mile carried more weight, a weight found only in moments of purpose. And I am not sure that I could sit with myself and my reflection for a 5K.  

    In being honest about this journey I will tell you the miles weren't easy from day one, forged in tears of stress early in January. I wanted to quit, not because the physical mile was too hard or too far, but because I required myself to be there in the moment with myself and everything that I brought to the table. On bad days being with me can be a scary place to be. At times it is a place that is filled with doubt and darkness. It is a place that my faults and missteps meet to take over. A place where the overwhelming can become a blanket of misery. And here I was in a new year, faced with all of it from the very onset of this resolution. I had to make a choice to continue down this road or to stop.

 

   I had to take a step back very early on and think about why this was important, why I thought I needed it in the first place. What did I want to gain? I had to find my way through. A path that was easy in the thinking stage but difficult in action. I discovered that what I wanted, truly wanted, was to have one moment in the day that I was honest about all of it, all of me. One designated moment where the mask of "being ok" could fall, and I could breathe. I would find starting with day one that this would at times be the most strenuous miles I have ever completed, but it would at times come with a great reward.

    I never thought that one mile would matter. Honestly, when I started this, I thought it would be an opportunity to simply leave my desk between work and school. I wasn't looking for groundbreaking, and trust me, not every day was a revelation-- thank goodness. What I found in those miles was something I wasn't planning on. Those miles became my release from constraints of myself and the expectations of others. It was permission represented in steps.

    Without knowing it in the moment, I got something out of the miles I wasn't expecting and didn't know I needed. For many of the miles Patrick and I were together, even on the bad days. I say often that Patrick is there with me on my journeys, always in my heart no matter where I am, but to have him physically there for so much of the time where I felt vulnerable was a gift I didn't anticipate in these miles. Patrick will have to tell you about his reasons and thoughts on joining me-- I am pretty sure it started as us just being competitive. For me, it was nice to have someone there at the moment when the mask fell. I am not sure that Patrick will ever understand how he acts as a tether back to the good, back to reality, back to balance-- even when he frustrates me and makes me lose my mind. It may be weird that I walk with him some days to know he is there even if I want him to go away. These walks brought us closer and gave us a place and time to both live without expectations even from each other. We talk, a lot, in our house but some how out on that mile was different. On the mile it was also ok to just be silent, speaking volumes without any sound.

    My cup isn't always full, even after the mile; heck, let's face it, I am pretty sure there are days that my tea cup isn't even up right. Yet if nothing else, in the miles I have managed to at least find my tea cup under the dirty laundry of life.  

    As we close out 2021, I know this resolution made me better. Being a better doesn't mean that I don't get angry or that I don't feel sad or overwhelmed or frustrated; it simply means that I am giving myself permission to feel it even if it isn't understood or accepted by others. I also give myself permission to let those feelings go, not hold on to the negative thoughts, and instead replace them with a bit of happiness. The idea that one mile changed everything may sound extreme, but one mile changed me. 

    To those who didn't get it, I understand. To those who walked a mile with me, thank you; you may not have known your purpose in that moment but I assure you, you had one. To Izzy who held us accountable to "her walk", know that you always make my day better. 

    To Patrick who has chosen to walk with me in these miles and in life, there are not words to share my gratitude but I hope you know that you make my heart whole. Thank you for holding my hand. Thank you for letting me go. Thank you for the encouragements and the accountability. Thank you for knowing when I needed to yell or cry, and for being there in case I tripped. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for being as vulnerable as me. Thank you for meeting me at the mailbox and checking that I started my watch. Just, you know, thanks for being you and for loving me.

And yes, I am aware I have five days of miles left. But just in case you were planning your New Year's Resolution I thought you should know there is a lot to find in a mile of reflection.